Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM)

Deciding Whether to Open a Relationship

The process of deciding whether or not to open a monogamous relationship is complex and can often take years of discussion.  Often both members of a couple are of different minds on how to proceed. There are questions about balance, fairness, scheduling, safer sex agreements, whether to create a document that embodies agreements, whether to bring partners to the home, whether to meet another's partners, and how to navigate any jealousy triggers that present.  The topics seem endless but are very much surmountable with some patience and lots of conversation! 

Once Open

Navigating a newly open relationship could be the biggest challenge a couple faces. But it certainly challenges you to become very centered in yourself and what you want.  And what type of relationships meet your needs. There may be moments of uncertainty about the existing relationship.  And issues of whether to tell family, children and friends, how much time the couple wants to spend with other partners, are overnights and travel comfortable? Are texts and emails between partners private? Again a myriad of interesting questions to navigate together, which can strengthen an existing relationship in unexpected ways.

Long Term

Once a couple has concluded that they are comfortable with the relationship structure they have created, the long term questions might involve how to share finances amongst partners, navigating creative living arrangements, integration of partners into families, how to support your partners during their breakups, whether you prefer a hierarchical style of relationship or tend toward relationship anarchy, coming out as polyamorous in the workplace and how to navigate complex social events.  Again, the fascinating questions keep coming.  Which ultimately has the potential to strengthen your emotional awareness and the communication skills of all partners. 

Solo Polyamory

The polyamory community is as diverse as any other.  For every couple that is opening from a monogamous orientation, there are just as many individuals who have never chosen monogamy in the first place.  And individuals who identify as polyamorous but do not define themselves as part of a couple (or triad, etc).  Solo polyamorists generally do not have intimate relationships which involve a merging of life infrastructure like sharing a home or finances. The questions that come up in this relationship structure may be more about preferences around hierarchy, amenability to dating non-polyamorous people, couples' privilege and relationship anarchy. 

Children and Polyamory

The topic of polyamory and children can be extraordinarily nuanced. There are significant differences between children growing up in a household that has been polyamorous for their entire lives and children living in homes where their parents’ relationship structure shifted from monogamy to polyamory during their lifetime. There are questions of when to introduce partners to children and how to navigate the attachment that ensues. There are also questions around custody being impacted by one parent’s choice of non-monogamy. There are as many kids who are nonplussed upon learning of their parents’ less traditional relationship structure, as there are kids who insist on knowing no details at all. Part of the complexity is that not telling children about a dynamic that they can feel happening in their home can be confusing. There is also the potential for children to learn details unexpectedly. The decision about whether to tell children, what to tell them and when is something that can take years to unfold. Sarah has extensive experience navigating this process and brings the wisdom of her personal experience to the topic.

Relationship Anarchy

In Stockholm, Sweden during the early 2000‘s, Relationship Anarchy was born out of an environment of counterculture. Relationship Anarchy is the idea that love does not need a specific set of rules, but rather that all of our relationships can be construed as valuable, that all can be constructed and shaped by people who want to engage in them, based on free will, and a radical wish to avoid defining relationships by attempts to exercise power over one another. Those committed to Relationship Anarchy prefer to define their relationships themselves, rather than falling back on the norm.

The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy by Andie Nordgren

Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique

Love and respect instead of entitlement

Find your core set of relationship values

Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you

Build for the lovely unexpected

Fake it til’ you make it

Trust is better

Change through communication

Customize your commitments